The first Mercury Retrograde of this year officially ended on January 25, with its shadow phase wrapping up 5 days later. What was your experience like? Did you have an opportunity to learn more about something on a deeper level? Did you get to look at something and revise, redo or reshape things into a
better expression of you? Were there any lessons, knowledge and wisdom you may have missed in the past, but somehow this period provided extra illumination and clarity of vision? Did you rebuild your foundation and make it a bit sturdier to support your new vision? I hope your overall experience brought you some clarity, insights and new found wisdom as you move forward with your life.
I’d like to share some personal insights and a bit about my experience with the Mercury Retrograde. One of the gifts the Mercury Retrograde provides is an opportunity to slow down and re-visit aspects of yourself, to go deeper to uncover what you’re ready to expose and release that is not part of your true self. It’s a time to let go of false identities and associated energy that has been trapped inside of you and holding you back. This is not part of your essential self/soul and when you’re ready to face them, illuminate the source of pain and lovingly detach them from self, a whole bunch of magic and unlimited possibility occurs. Well this was my experience and I’d like to share how this powerful time impacted me.
The retrograde has a 5-day shadow period before and after the actual retrograde where it’s common to begin experiencing these pre-energies. In the pre-shadow time I started having memories surface from my past such as hearing a song or seeing a photo of someone from my past that would trigger old stuff. This happened daily for several weeks and I noticed my throat and sacral chakras starting to clear out and release.
Then I began experiencing dreams every night about some aspect of my past, including people, places, roles, and timelines. These dreams were often set in the house I grew up in but things were different in many ways (on purpose of course). People from different phases of my past would appear from childhood, college, workplaces, and so forth. Much of the memories and emotions that were surfacing from these dreams had to do with long held personal beliefs of not deserving, being less than and not fully stepping into my personal power.
One night I was looking for something to read and was drawn to start reading Spotlight, a book written by The Boston Globe investigative Spotlight team, which revealed the truth about the cover ups of sexual abuse by Catholic priests in the Boston area and globally. I actually bought the book for my parents but felt I was supposed to read it. I read the book for several hours and it was a difficult read, at times I felt sick to my stomach (stomach is part of the solar plexus which is connected to your personal power and will) reading the detailed personal accounts from the victims and learning more about those in charge who chose to turn a blind eye to these innocent children.
The next day I begin my day and eventually head to a business meeting. The meeting was being hosted by an outside vendor and as soon as I walked into to the room I immediately recognized one of the men. He looked different from before for it had been a long time since I last saw him, but his eyes were the same (eyes are so telling on many levels). All of a sudden the memories came rushing in. This man had sexually assaulted me many years ago. On the spectrum of sexual assaults, it was minor. Please understand I am in no way diminishing sexual assault of any kind and its impact on others. In comparison to many sexual assault and abuse stories I’ve heard from both women and men, my experience was less severe. However, the feelings of shock, powerlessness, shame and disgust were completely real and impactful and what he did was absolutely inappropriate and wrong and something that no one has the right to do to another person.
The sexual assault incident happened so fast and for a variety of reasons I did not report it. I shared it with my close friends and then tucked it away (or so I thought I did). However, sexual trauma and any trauma has a way of leaving an imprint with you that affects you in many ways if you don’t deal with it. Often we build off of our imprints and expand them, creating false identities and beliefs about the self as a result of trauma.
As I processed what was happening, I took a few days to dig deeper to understand why this was happening, revisit what had happened many years ago and decide how I wanted to proceed. I realized without a doubt that the universe, with the assistance of the Mercury Retrograde, gave me a unique opportunity to do what I hadn’t done many years ago, which was to take my personal power back. The end result was it was determined that this man was no longer allowed to work with us and he will be left with deciding how he chooses to learn from this experience.
I was able to revisit this trauma in such a loving and compassionate way, while honoring myself and taking back my personal power. What a blessing! I realized that Spotlight was a message from the universe to literally put the spotlight on this long held trapped trauma, illuminate it, feel it and release it with love and forgiveness. I forgave him and most importantly myself, which is incredibly liberating and brought me a new level of internal peace.
At this point, it’s literally only the first day of the retrograde! I said to myself, well MK, it looks like this one is going to be one heck of a life changing retrograde for you! I went on to have a series of dreams each night for two weeks about my past, where I was able to see with beautiful clarity that for a long time I’ve felt a lack of deserving and diminished personal power and tried to counter this in many ways, including trying harder than everyone around me, seeking perfection, going above and beyond for everyone but me, and indulging in other self-destructive behaviors. I thought that if I did this then maybe I would finally be good enough and just maybe I would feel good about myself.
These dreams were incredible as I was able to view myself in them as the observer and fully experience my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I watched myself with the most compassionate and loving heart and experienced the truth, which is I’ve always been enough, I deserve to be here and that unconditional love, both giving and receiving, is always available to me. I was full of self-love in ways I had never experienced and felt an incredible sense of freedom!
This experience was life changing. The internal shift with healing some longstanding wounds in the layers of my soul has been occurring for quite some time. Many healing experiences, shifts, levels of acceptance and self-love, and other spiritual awakenings pre-dated the retrograde and lead me to this point. A huge part of this opportunity presented itself due to my prior healing experiences and my willingness to experience the darkness without fear. This set the stage to allow me to let go of this false identify, release all the layers I had built from the initial imprint and wipe the slate clean. This clean slate is allowing me to create my entire experience from a much higher vibration and frequency and express from my core authentic self. And I can say that I truly love and accept myself and know that I deserve the best.
I feel incredibly grateful for each experience that has led me to this point. I chose to embrace the positive aspects of the retrograde which truly allowed this incredibly deep healing to complete. I embraced this opportunity to revisit, release and recreate. Along your personal path, if the opportunity presents itself, I hope you choose the same for yourself. I wish you much love, personal growth and many blessings.